If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
