You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
