Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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