At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
