i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
