so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
