The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I'm passing your future prison.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
