i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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