Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
