ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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