I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
