The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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