I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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