The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
