so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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