nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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