She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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