Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
