The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
