when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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