So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
