the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
