You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
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I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
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I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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