I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
