GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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