If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
