I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
