The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's shark week go big or go home
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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