I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize