I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
