I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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