I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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