having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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