I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
