I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
