Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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