I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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