I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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