Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
