My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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