Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
