that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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