I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
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Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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