Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
