Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
