i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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