i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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