I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
