Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
