Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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