does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
