Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
