never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
