I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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