Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
